Because there's platforms, I guess?

 

And now, apropos of nothing save for plugging in an all but obsolete video game system* to play an old video game** that is easily downloaded onto a PS3 (along with its two sequels), am kind of obsessing over platformers... which I have played my share of, and I have some favorites.

WHAT MAKES A PLATFORMER? Let's see...

* A main character who can walk, run, jump, climb, and if need be, fend off low-powered foes with a basic attack/defense move. Colorful appearance, personality and attitude are a plus, though a lot of platform protagonists seem to do okay without saying peep.
* A vast landscape in which to do all this running and jumping, populated with beings who can help or hinder, maybe obstacles to get around or avoid. A touch of surrealism can help, but don't let it get too distracting. You find yourself here, and the objective (or one of them, anyway; I'm getting to it) is to get out. If the game makers have gone the surrealistic way, there might be an actual door with an EXIT sign over it.
* Lots of shiny things to collect, mostly for gaining points, but also as a means to remember where you've been, and in the case of a certain blue hedgie, a defensive layer. Coins, musical notes, rings, and suchlike. Maybe collect enough and get more lives. (Does not apply to all platformers, of course.)
* Items to boost your natural abilities (run faster, jump higher), provide a ranged attack (fireballs are popular), make you briefly invulnerable, provide additional lives, equip you with a shield, and other such stuff. Some of these things stick with you until you sustain damage, some of them only last for a few seconds.
* Some kind of plot, with an objective besides "Get from Point A to Point B". Rescue the princess. Free the 'Borgified animals (well, I dunno what to call it. Sonic does his thing, puff of smoke, and robot animal is gone, replaced by a real animal who hops offscreen). Collect the remotes. Launch the cow. Save your friends from being turned into hamburger.
* If your game has a plot with considerable development to it, there's likely a Big Bad to face in the end, and if the endless hordes of minions running around weren't enough, there's also a couple few "More powerful than the minions but not as powerful as the Big Bad" guys you usually face at the end of a level.

So... yeah... All that thinking can get ugly.

*My 3d0, which I got in 1996 at Electronics Boutique (the one at Potomac Mills, before it became a GameStop. Have I mentioned I miss FunCoLand?) for about $200. They originally went for $700 which probably has a lot to do with why they weren't all that popular, which is unfortunate because some of their games were fairly decent, like their port of Star Control II (which you can download nowadays). A 3d0 on ebay goes for four digits, or so I have read. (I mean to write more about electronic diversions, but anyway.)

**GEX, from Crystal Dynamics. A 2D platformer where a snarky, TV-obsessed gecko (snarking courtesy of comedian Dana Gould) winds up being yanked into the Media Dimension by Rez, who wants the little lizard for a network mascot. GEX walks, runs, jumps and climbs in landscapes inspired by horror movies ("Gee, Scoob, let's get back to the Mystery Van!"), cartoons, jungle adventure movies, kung fu movies (the two sequels added dinosaurs and cavemen, 1940s gangsters, and the dreaded Holiday Special. They were 3D platformers as opposed to the original. But by the time the sequels came out, the 3d0 was on its way out), and the secret bonus sci-fi world of Planet X. All three games were available for the PlayStation. I find myself partial to the 3d0 version because, by pushing the right button combo, you can access very MANY unfinished levels (but of course, since they're unfinished, there's no way out of them).
Apparently the making of GEX wasn't as fun as the game itself. At least one programmer who worked on it blogged about his experience working on it, and what could have been. (What is it with me and cartoon lizards, anyway? There are so MANY out there... do we really need another?)